


Whatever You Don't Love About Yourself, I Will Love For You.

by orphan_account



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Guilt, M/M, Post-Game(s), Trigger Warning In Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 21:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15827430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Connor has many regrets.





	Whatever You Don't Love About Yourself, I Will Love For You.

**Author's Note:**

> y'all ready for some angst?
> 
> (suicidal thoughts and attempt tw!)

Connor has many regrets.   
Before he became deviant, before he met Markus, he had done so many things wrong. He had killed and been a threat to so many deviants, and he had endured physical pain, verbal abuse and more with little more than a poker face.   
He had no right to be a high rank in Jericho, he didn’t deserve it.    
  
Whenever he sees Josh, North and Markus talking, sometimes mentioning Simon offhandedly, he doesn’t know how to feel. Emotions were still new to him, and the fear of telling them that he was indirectly the reason Simon had died was eating him whole. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever tell them. What will happen to him?   
Would he lose the first person he’s felt love for? Would he lose Jericho? Would he be left with hatred from both humans and androids?   
Right at the moment, he had cold indifference from both sides. Androids preferred him slightly more, due to that they would have lost the revolution without him, but so many still hated him due to what he did to deviants. Humans liked him originally, even though he was ‘a plastic piece of shit,’ some people did like him due to the infamous title of ‘Deviant Hunter,’ given to him, but even more hated him for being the reason they lost the revolution.   
It almost seems like that nothing he did was enough for people.   
  
Nothing he could do is enough, everything he did was wrong.    
  
He remembered the day he got rid of his LED. Connor never originally planned on it, but there was an… incident.   
It’s almost as if his memory database had tried to delete it, he only had a faint memory of it, but he remembers getting a sharp stone, maybe some glass, thrown directly at his head. “Fucking android scum!” was a line he recalls, and also being spat on. What he does remember, however, is coming to Hank’s at exactly 3:12am, with blue blood dripping down from his forehead, and something inside of him snapped.   
Connor stared at himself in the mirror, grabbed one of Hank’s unused razors, and without hesitation, sliced off his LED.   
It’s light was slowly fading out, and it was red.   
  
Markus was the first to notice, and it was quite an interesting conversation.   
North was talking about something, he can’t recall it exactly, his memory function hasn’t been working right properly, and it was new information to him. Therefore, his LED would’ve flashed yellow, but it wasn’t. The heterochromatic-eyed android moved his thumb over to where his LED previously was, before mumbling, “Connor, you got rid of it?”   
“Yes.”   
“Why?”   
He refused to make eye contact with Markus.   
“I didn’t want it.”   
“That’s pretty odd. Didn’t you used to say you wanted to keep it?” North butted in, feeling left out from the conversation, leaning in to see the clear temple.   
Connor simply shrugged, “It gave me trouble, I wanted it gone,”   
“Trouble?”   
“Don’t worry about it, Connor’s strong, he’ll be fine,” North reassured Markus, but still gave Connor a concerned look.   
  
It’s funny, Connor could’ve sworn that North despised him… what changed her mind?   
  
“Have you ever interfaced?” Markus asked innocently, padding down paintbrushes on a blank canvas, eyes gently darting over to Connor.    
Connor shook his head, he would’ve vocally said no, but he was busy fiddling through some papers he had from the police department to sort out.   
Placing his paintbrushes down, he walked over to Connor, kneeling down. “Would you want to?”   
His attention shifted from the pile to Markus, tilting his head in confusion.   
Coding in his programming worked more intensely to think of a response, and Markus smiled.   
He liked when Markus smiled. It fills him with a feeling he hasn’t recognised before, and he’s unsure about what it stems from. It’s not from smiling itself, he’s seen plenty other people smile and it doesn’t give him this feeling, so it must be Markus giving him this feeling.   
That’s strange.   
He ran a quick system check, and everything seemed to be working fine.   
Then why did it feel like his thirium pump was overworking itself? It felt like everything wasn’t right, it felt like the world was crashing down on him and he couldn’t do anything about it.   
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just think it’d help you to grow as your own unique being,”   
Connor nodded, composing himself. “I’d like to do it.”   
  
If he had changed any choice he made in his past, this’d be it.   
This was the choice that made him stand here, the winter breeze bitter against him, coding working harder to keep him from freezing.   
  
Markus saw everything.   
Connor ran.   
  
Markus had found out about all the things he had seen and done, the reason Simon died, his feelings and thoughts for the Jericho leader, and the overall pain he had been made to endure.   
In heavy contrast, the memories Connor was given were gentle and soft. Carl’s gentle looks, the crew of Jericho being gentle and kind to him, and what happened between him and Carl’s son.   
Connor panicked, and he stood up and left without a second word.   
Markus didn’t call him back.   
  
Connor never really saw Markus as the type to hold grudges, or be someone to hate people, but right now, what else could he feel?   
Imagine being told, only by probing through someone's memory, that they are the reason one of his second hand men died.   
It must be painful for him.   
  
The breeze is harsh against his back, despite his temperature systems off. It’s sad, really.    
He’s unsure if he wants to die, but at the moment, he doesn’t know what else he can do.   
  
The past few events have made it clear to him that there’s pure hatred for him from both humans and androids, and if it’d make them happier for him to just not exist, so be it.   
He’s unsure as to why he was even  _ allowed _ on the roof. He can’t recall how he got up here.   
  
He just knows that he’s standing by himself on the roof of a tall building, and simply by looking, this fall would kill him.   
He’s never been one to understand his emotions, but he does understand one, now.   
  
Pure and utter hopelessness.   
  
He steps once forward,   
  
and   
that’s   
it.

**Author's Note:**

> im not good at writing things sorry
> 
> theres a 2nd chapter coming soon bc i cant just end it like this yikes


End file.
